You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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