Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
