Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
