Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When did angry sex become our thing?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
