i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
