i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
