Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
