I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
