By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
