if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
