There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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