It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
