I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
