A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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