shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
