Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
