i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize