She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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