I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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