3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
