you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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