I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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