life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
