If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
