Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
