all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
