So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
