yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
