I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
