i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
