It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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