I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
