For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
