Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Randomize
