I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
