I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
