you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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