a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Drake has all the answers
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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