I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
