last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
