You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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