Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
