So drunk its hurt
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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