Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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