VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
