Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
