when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
