her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
