i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I FOUND THE LEGS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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