Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
